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Photo A Day April – Day 4: Someone Who Makes You Happy Happier

04.04.2012, Water Wednesday, 20:03

Today’s photo assignment for Photo A Day April Challenge made me look back about the journey of my romantic relationship so far and, well, look ahead. How typical of an overthinking monster like me. Hear me out please.

The day I revealed to the shrink that I’m finally in a relationship, he asked if I were happy. Without any hesitation, I declared, “Yes,” then immediately corrected myself. “Oh, I mean…I’m happier!” He once suspected that the long list of priorities I juggle might be my perceived substitute for love. See, I’m happy as a single woman. I feel so in control of my life and, at the same time, I feel so attached to everyone. I know I exude enthusiasm for life and somehow show involvement to the concerns of the society. I may be alone, but I feel alive and connected! If there’ll be someone to walk hand-in-hand with, that’ll be a bonus. I still have space for loving a man in my heart, you know.

Perhaps I had room for self-doubts, too. 2011 started with a conviction that I have a big role to play for this world’s betterment and God possibly wants me to focus on this. No boyfriend, no problem. But, then again, He has other plans. He sent me someone even before I got to enlist the qualities I’m looking for and to determine which one/s are non-negotiable.

When I met Waldo in a party in September, I got attracted to him and got flattered that he fancied me. Our differences may be staggering, but I opted to give it a chance. Perhaps it’s how he reminds me of my father and how he mirrors the qualities that would complement mine. A part of me finds it wise to know him better before getting into a commitment. The other part, however, was ready for an emotional adventure. I resolved I’ll get to know him as we go along and live each day one day at a time.

We’re turning 5-month-old this Black Saturday. I still find it funny that we’re a match. I  asked for someone pure-hearted and family-oriented and he exceeded my expectation. Asked Him for someone who knows his English, He gave me someone who doesn’t. Asked for someone who would take care of me and He gave me someone to take care of. Asked for someone with sense of direction, He gave me someone who makes me want to have a sense of direction myself. Asked for someone who will spend for me, He gave me someone who demonstrates the beauty of austerity. Asked for someone who’s on the same spiritual journey, He gave me someone who’s not. Yet? He had me at “Pwede ba ako sumama sa Church niyo? Ano dapat ang susuotin ko?”.

For the past week, I’ve been contemplating on our ecumenical setup. It is truly ideal if couples share the same belief and possess the same warmth in their faith. However, I refuse to impose for him to attend whatever I attend. I won’t appreciate it either if he asks me to attend whatever he attends if it doesn’t resonate with me.  However, the closer I get to His presence, the more I yearn for Waldo to experience the same thing. But how will that come to pass if he doesn’t comprehend what I value?

On the other hand, how can I be too impatient when God Himself had been too patient with me? All those I-study-in-Catholic-schools-all-my-life-so-can-we-please-limit-my-appearance-in-the-Church-to-First-Fridays excuses and it’s-Man-who-created-God postmodern thinking truly hurt Him in the past. Yet, He remained faithful. Why can’t I give Waldo a fraction of His patience for me? After all, when asked how Waldo will contribute to my evolution as a person, I was quick to imagine that he will be my lesson of tolerance. Whether we end up together in the end or not, we’ll be instrumental for each other’s growth as a person. There’s a reason why we’re together now.

This mental tug-of-war had been my company for days. To continue this or not? To my surprise, he brought it up earlier today and stated that he will join me in the service and even specified his timetable. The negative-thinker in me clammed up and just nodded. What matters is that he made me happier and hopeful all over again for saying that today.

Tomorrow will be a different story. I’ll think about our future and worry about this again. I’ll be unsure again if it were worth it. My pastor friend was sure I know the answer, I’m just afraid what it would bring.  With that, I shall leave you with the song Pastor Rei used to illustrate his point. That’s the reason why we’re together now… It’s NOT forever.

Now (MYMP)

Now is all I know
Now is all I got
And I don’t know
If there will be tomorrow for us.Now is all I care about
Now that you are here
Now that you’re the contents of my heart.Now you’re all I know
Now is all I promise
And I don’t know
If there will be a future for us.Now is all I live for
Now that you are near
And it was best that from the start it was clear.

Loving is not owning
We can let it go
We can let it go.

Loving is not owning
You can let me go
You can let me go.

There’s a reason
Why we love each other now
And we don’t know if this is forever.

There’s a reason
Why we are together now
And we don’t care if it’s not forever now.

Now is all I think about
Now that I am happy
And I’m not sure
If there will be a future for us.

Now is all I offer
It’s everything I got
And I still wish
That there will be a tomorrow for us.

We love each other now…

Lyrics obtained here.